Here's my story. I've been pretty hesitant to share. No one wants to be judged and telling your story is like allowing however many people on your friends list/blog read your diary. eek. But I figured with the out of the darkness walk coming up, now might be a good time to just go for it. We shouldn't be ashamed of our past. It is, after all, what shaped who we are today and I have to say, I'm pretty happy with who I am now.
Lets see,
I guess I've always been an average girl. As far back as I can remember I was an average student, an average weight, and I never really did anything that was exciting or cool. I didn't play sports or play in some awesome garage band. I was just average. I wanted to blend and not be noticed. I have always had this fear of failing or just had a negative attitude and only focused on the things I did that disappointed my family. I suffered from depression, self mutilation and a couple meek attempts to end my life. I didn't really want to die (I didn't know this at the time) I just wanted an escape from myself. When I was 16 I reached out to my dad and got the help I needed.
Unfortunately I moved soon after and didn't continue with the help. I got into Yoga soon after moving which helped a bit. I was good at it! I've always been very flexible so Yoga was easy! I never considered myself a "yogi" or anything but I did enjoy that hour everyday. I did yoga and pilates at the junior college for the next 3 years. It was definitely my "me time."
When I was 19 I moved back to my dads in SoCal. I stopped working out and got a telecommunications job. I didn't mind the job but I was sitting on my butt n snacking. Soon after I was pregnant with my first baby. I didn't have to work off that baby weight because I was fortunate enough that breast feeding did the work for me. I was the smallest I had ever been after I had her! Talk about a boost. I was so happy with my little girl. No post partum depression, lost all the weight and she was such an easy baby!!
A few months after she was born I moved across the country with my husband. I liked being on my own (no longer under mom n dads wing) but I missed everyone. All my family was in CA. I got depressed again but now I was legally allowed to drink and my husband had been a heavy drinker as long as Id known him so my fridge was always stocked with alcohol. My husbands army buddies would come over and we'd play card games n drink. Over time the drinking got more frequent and my gut showed it. It was as if I was trying to keep up with the guys.
My husband deployed to Iraq for a year and I moved home. Still drinking but slowed WAY down. When he got back I was a little slimmer and a lot happier with myself.
A couple months after my husband got home a friend of ours in CA took his own life. He left behind a son, only 2 years old and his gf who is a good friend of ours from high school. She was the one that had to find him and it really made me thankful that I never went through with my own attempts, but it also made me think about the darkest times in my life and how I wished so badly that I could have done something for him. The last time I saw him was in the delivery room when their son was born and before that the last I spoke to him was an argument that Ill never get to apologize for. Tina (his gf) invited my husband and I to donate to an out of the darkness walk or find one in our area. So we did just that. We've been walking and raising money ever since and it has helped me deal with my own struggles as well as being left in the wake of his.
Now after another move, we ended up with a new group of friends that proved to be oh so wrong for us. My husband and I were drinking more and more and I was smoking more and more. We ended up getting in drunken arguments and we were just getting more and more unhealthy. We went home to Cali to visit family and I ended up in the hospital with a cyst that had burst and caused bleeding in my abdomen. I was doped up on pain killers and they were talking about sending me to the OR for surgery. I still remember the ultrasound tech say ... "the baby is ok."
What baby!?!
So all drinking and smoking ceased but I ate anything and everything I wanted. I weighed over 200lbs when I had my lil 8lb 10oz baby. The day after she was born they told me she had a heart murmur. She had Ekgs, chest xrays, ultrasounds.... You name it. We were sent to a pediatric cardiologist at a hospital about an hour away when she was about 2 months old. Mind you, 2 months after my first born I was teeny tiny.... Not so much this go around. I hadn't lost a lb since leaving the hospital. Luckily the heart murmer was nothing too serious but the stress didn't completely go away. She was a colicky baby and she and I both had thrush and I had mastitis which made breastfeeding very painful, but I didn't give up. I started working out at the community center 5 days a week for an hour a day. I barely lost a lb every other week. I changed my diet... still nothing.
About 6 months after our 2nd baby was born, my husband deployed to Afghanistan. Our baby no longer would breastfeed no mater how badly I tried. Bring on depression! And now the booze n cigarettes! I was back to reaching for the bottom.
In August 2013, my best friend got married and I was her matron of honor. I felt so disgusted with my weight. I reached out to an old friend who I saw had lost a bunch of weight since I had seen her last. She looked so healthy and so happy! I wanted that. She told me about shakeology and being a coach. I figured there was nothing to lose and I was DESPERATE! The price was a lil hard to swallow but my husband supported my decision. I became a coach for the discount and started drinking shakeology. Soon after, I was getting involved in more challenge groups to keep myself motivated and my life completely switched gears. I stepped on the scale after going shopping and having to try on smaller clothes. I thought I was going crazy.. I couldn't remember the last time I was a size 9. I was 20lbs lighter.... 20lbs!!! That was in October! I made the decision right there to focus on getting healthy. It WAS possible and not something made up by "lucky" people.
I stopped drinking, went back to the Dr about my depression & finally got on an antidepressant that didn't make me feel MORE crazy and I quit smoking. I bought T25 and committed to the program. After that program I wanted to do one more before my husband came home to "wow" him with the results of this investment so I did the 21 day fix. LOVE LOVE LOVE that program!!!
When my husband came home from Afghanistan he surprised me at a coffee shop but he was the one surprised! He says he almost didn't recognize me except I was the only one with red hair ;)
I had lost 50lbs and I went from a size 14 to a size 4. As a bonus, I was MAKING MONEY.... not only making enough to pay for my shakeology but I was making enough to put aside in savings for us to have fun with later. :)
He is now a believer and has committed to doing a program with me. We are both now sober and so much happier. It may seem silly to some but.... Beachbody really helped my change my life.
